Dealing with insecurities (part 2)

After refusing to go to a nearby creche/pre-primary for almost a whole year, I was forced to start primary school straightaway the following year. It took a lot of time for me to fully adjust to the new setting and new languages. Even though in my little mind I thought I was doing badly, I was doing quite well. My little-self became so anxious at the thought of going to school every day. I was scared of messing up, doing the wrong thing, getting things wrong, and more especially doing tests. I was insecure about my academics.

I doubted myself so much when it came to academics, I ended up pushing my little self to the limits. I always wanted extra practice, I always wanted to read that story book until I could say all the words in it. My fear of failing academically actually led me to my strong interest in reading and writing. I was always going through my books, re-learning what I had learnt in class. My “indeliberate” hard work did pay off, I just did not know. I guess I was too little to know that I was actually working extra hard to get to where I was. To me, doing what I was doing became/was a norm. I was always surprised when I would get academic merits and when people said I was smart. I never really took it to mind, until I was a little older.

It was only then that I started being aware of why I was doing exceptional. I carried on working hard, now aware of the fact that I had to maintain my “reputation”.

Things began to take a turn when I went into high school. I was still doing well but I was not doing exceptionally well. I was not in the top 10 anymore, nor getting straight A’s. It felt like my life was in shambles. I would do so much self-introspection, I would wonder if anything was wrong with me. I would beat myself up so much for not achieving my unrealistic academic goals. I felt ashamed and scared. I felt like a failure. The more I tried hard to work hard, the more I got disappointed. I just did not know how much I was tiring myself out. I felt like I was letting myself down. I punished myself so much. I was not even doing badly, but according to my expectations I was. I was insecure.

My family was also a huge contributor to my insecurity. They had gotten so used to me being a straight A student, they always held that expectation. They would beat me up for not living up to the expectation as much as I would beat myself up. I felt even more ashamed, confused and hopeless.

I remember this one year that my uncle said some hurtful words to me, I immediately attempted to commit suicide after that. At that moment everything was overwhelming for me, I just felt hopeless and better off dead. After that incident I became so angry. I began to ask so many questions. Why did I always have to get distinctions for some people in my family to praise me or to be proud of me?

It took so much time and self-love to realize that I was setting unrealistic goals for myself. It took so much strength to acknowledge that I was working hard and that was enough, that that was the best I could do. It took me so much tears and self-acceptance to praise and celebrate the good marks I got. It was only at this phase, that I started to accept my marks as they were and to be proud of myself when I got good marks. I did not really care about other people’s opinions about my marks, as long as I knew I had worked hard enough for them. And that has been working wonderfully for me until this day.

So, Loves, that was just my experience of how I became academically insecure. For anyone going through the same thing or something similar, please stop everything… acknowledge your work, your time spent on that studying. Accept the best that you can do. Praise yourself and don’t wait on anyone to do so. Do not be too hard on yourself. Do not set unrealistic goals and expectations for yourself, but never limit yourself either. Be patient. And most importantly, love yourself unconditionally and everything else will fall into place.

For parents/guardians/aunts and uncles/friends, please congratulate people when needed, acknowledge their efforts, give only constructive criticism, offer any help or advice if needed, and accept what already is.

All the best x