Dealing with insecurities (Part 1)

When I was a child, I always struggled to communicate with other children. I guess that is partly because I grew up in a household that was filled with adults and teenagers. I never played outside my yard, nor did I go to creche. I went straight into primary school.

When I started going to school, I was introduced to an entire new environment. Here I was, surrounded by all kinds of children, some nice, some mean. Everything just overwhelmed me. I felt so helpless and lonely. I did not know how to act or how to approach all of these kids, my peers.

My self-esteem became so low. I thought that there was something wrong with me. It was absurd to me, that I could not start a proper conversation with other kids, nor make friends easily. I always felt like it was my fault, that something was ridiculously wrong with me, and that I needed help. I would think that I did not belong there, and that all of these kids would soon grow tired of me. I felt as though everyone was including me in their groups or activities just because they felt sorry for me. I felt as though I was not good enough, and that I did not deserve to have friends.

So, I would always hide. I would hide in my thoughts and in books. I would spend most of my time in my head. This way, I would forget about everything that was going on around me, and I would focus on myself. In my head I was everything I was not outside my head. And I became content with being in my head, I did not even bother coming out.

It was only when I was a bit older, that I realized my self-worth. I was no longer defined by my lack of communication or lack of friendships. I understood that I was also a human being, worthy to have friends. It was okay for me to feel lonely and helpless. It was okay not to be as loud as the other kids. It was okay not to have friends. I knew I had a problem with communication and social awkwardness, but I began to accept everything as it was, and myself as I was. I stopped beating myself up. I also forgave myself for beating myself up.

It was only then, that I was able to be myself, without feeling less than, or embarrassed. I gained so much confidence in standing for what I was and what I believed in. I know now that, when I am included in things by people, it is not because they feel sorry for me. It is because I deserve to be in those things.

I no longer force friendships or conversations, because I believe that not everyone will be in your life forever. Even though those friendships or people did make an impact in your life. I am no longer defined by friendships. I am just as worthy alone, as I would in a friendship. I do value friendships, but I also know when it is time to let go. Letting go of friendships or people does not have to mean that they have done something to you, but you just know when you guys don’t align anymore, and that’s okay.

I am here today, and I am still dealing with these insecurities. Some I have overcome. And I am very proud of myself.

To anyone dealing with any type of insecurities; you are not alone, take your time to find the root/cause of your insecurities, sit with them, analyze them, accept them, deal with them, forgive yourself, take or seek the necessary steps to overcome them.